You think a trip to Disney World is going to save your relationship but you are dead wrong. If anything, this vacation of yours has intensified your hate for one another. With this in mind, we present to you the top 10 places to break up throughout Walt Disney World, courtesy of Typhoid Lagoon’s Senior Relationship Expert, Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III.
10 – Space Mountain
As you are screaming and hollering throughout the rapid descents and twisting turns, proclaim to your (former) lover that it’s over. It will be dark so they won’t be able to find your face to slap it. Pay close attention to the single-file seating arrangement, taking care to place your soon-to-be-ex in front of you. This will also make it difficult for them to slap your face. (Splash Mountain also works for the same reasons.)
9 – It’s Tough to Be a Bug
There are far more frightening attractions than this one, but parents still choose to ignore the warnings and force their child to witness this horror show located at the base of the Tree of Life in Animal Kingdom. Time your break-up with one of the many children screaming and make your way to the exit with one of the groups parents leading their child to safety.
8 – Victoria & Alberts
This posh dining experience is where Disney’s elite park guests come to dine on five-star cuisine. It’s a perfect spot to break up because you’re both too high-class to make a scene. If your partner has other ideas, Disney security will be quick to escort you both out of the building before your former partner starts throwing the complimentary bread.
7 – Rock ’n’ Roller Coaster
Being restrained by a shoulder harness makes this a great place to say goodbye to your violent significant other. They will try to swing their arms in an attempt to take you out but the ride’s safety mechanism will severely limit their movement. You’ll want to be sure to sit on the “passenger side” of the vehicle as to allow yourself a clear path to freedom when the ride ends.
6 – Restroom Break
It’s 12:30pm and it’s time for another bathroom break. The last restroom stop was well over 15 minutes ago, so you know her bladder is about to burst. Once she enters the restroom, wait exactly 30 seconds and yell into the restroom that it’s over. Then seek refuge in the second-closest men’s restroom for about 45 minutes. Don’t worry about your newest ex-girlfriend. She has a restroom full of “sistas” to help her cope with the loss.
5 – Hall of Presidents
This one seems odd but since Trump was somehow elected President and his likeness has already desecrated this once-prestigious establishment, that makes this attraction a great spot to end your relationship. When the Trump Animatronic starts drooling and walking around on all fours, use the commotion as a distraction to gently let down your loved one. If they start making a scene, just yell “He’s not my President!” and walk out of the theater with the rest of the audience.
4 – Hoop Dee Doo Revue
During this popular dinner show, casually lean over and tell them it’s over. The chaos of the show will provide excellent cover for one or both of you to exit without causing a stir. If your partner chooses to make a scene, fein a look of shock and surprise. When they exit the premises, stand up and start the slow clap, as if it was part of the show.
3 – Mission: Space
This is another attraction where riders are restrained with a shoulder harness, which will severely limit any retaliatory movements. Timing is crucial on this one and your escape is key. Be sure to do a few “dry runs” as-it-were to make sure you know where the exits are when the ride concludes. The time for calling off the relationship is right when the capsule tips back and your vehicle is about to enter space. Dropping the bad news on your former lover will add to the dizzying effect this attraction puts on guests making them even more discombobulated. Use this fogginess to your advantage as you make a quick exit when the ride concludes. (Watch out for extreme vomit fall-out.)
2 – Avatar: Flight of Passage
You’ve both just waited in line for six hours and the anticipation for finally experiencing this attraction is at an all-time high. Moments before the doors open, let her know that you hate her and you never want to see her again. If she makes a scene, make eye contact with the nearest Cast Member, making sure to shrug your shoulders as if to say, “Who is this person?!” Security will then escort this clearly insane individual out of the waiting area. This approach will grant you the opportunity to enjoy this attraction with some well-deserved solitude.
1 – IllumiNations: Reflections of Earth (or any evening fireworks shows)
The dark atmosphere and loud pyrotechnics make this the perfect opportunity to end your relationship, while also making a sneaky exit under the cover of darkness. Wait for an opportune time to spring the bad news and make your escape while the fireworks are lighting up the sky! If her alien-like tracking beam somehow spots you, slap the nearest child as a diversion.
Where is your favorite place to break up? A ride? An attraction? The airport? Let us know in the comments below!