IllumiNations Replacing Fireworks With Sparklers

Sparklers Being Used In New Sensory-Friendly Show Parents of sensory-sensitive children are rejoicing this morning as Disney has announced to replace IllumiNations with a tamed down version of the show. IllumiNations is a nighttime fireworks spectacular featuring music, fire, lasers, explosions, and fireworks. It’s really awesome but for a child with sensory issues, however, it can be a fucking nightmare. “I don’t want to say ‘we listened’ to our guests,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. “It’s more like ‘we caved’ to our guests [with sensory issues].” Geronimo is Vice President of Policy Changes Based On Guest Input for Walt Disney… Continue reading this fake story…

Breaking News: First Look at Hurricane Matthew Damage

As the theme parks at Walt Disney World Resort re-open today, Typhoid Lagoon reporters were granted full media access around the property to see what kind of damage Hurricane Matthew inflicted. We first made our way to Animal Kingdom. Animal Kingdom: The park overall seemed to be in great condition. We were expecting the bloody carcasses of animals lying about on the pedestrian walkways. Either no animals perished or Disney did a fantastic job cleaning up all of the blood and entrails. We made our way over to Dinoland, USA where the damage to the park is quite apparent. It… Continue reading this fake story…