IllumiNations Replacing Fireworks With Sparklers

Sparklers Being Used In New Sensory-Friendly Show Parents of sensory-sensitive children are rejoicing this morning as Disney has announced to replace IllumiNations with a tamed down version of the show. IllumiNations is a nighttime fireworks spectacular featuring music, fire, lasers, explosions, and fireworks. It’s really awesome but for a child with sensory issues, however, it can be a fucking nightmare. “I don’t want to say ‘we listened’ to our guests,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. “It’s more like ‘we caved’ to our guests [with sensory issues].” Geronimo is Vice President of Policy Changes Based On Guest Input for Walt Disney… Continue reading this fake story…

Top 10 Places to Break Up at Walt Disney World

You think a trip to Disney World is going to save your relationship but you are dead wrong. If anything, this vacation of yours has intensified your hate for one another. With this in mind, we present to you the top 10 places to break up throughout Walt Disney World, courtesy of Typhoid Lagoon’s Senior Relationship Expert, Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. 10 – Space Mountain As you are screaming and hollering throughout the rapid descents and twisting turns, proclaim to your (former) lover that it’s over. It will be dark so they won’t be able to find your face to… Continue reading this fake story…

Family Late to Dinner in World Showcase Because of Bridge

A family vacationing in Walt Disney World this week was late to their dining reservations at Germany’s Biergarten restaurant in Epcot’s World Showcase. The bridge that separates China and Germany was closed to pedestrian traffic to allow for IllumiNations fireworks floats to get into position for a performance later that evening. “Our timing issues had been compounding all day and the bridge being closed was what was finally sealed the deal [on us being late],” said Jason Griggs, husband and father of two girls. “I knew we were in trouble when we arrived at Epcot and couldn’t find an open… Continue reading this fake story…

All Fireworks Shows Moving to Pre-Dawn Hours

The Walt Disney Company announced that starting in 2017, all fireworks shows will take place in the pre-dawn hours, instead of the evenings. This includes the popular Illuminations at Epcot as well as the Wishes fireworks show at the Magic Kingdom. The move comes as Disney looks for new and innovative ways to dazzle park guests around the clock. “We’ve always thought of our evening fireworks shows as the perfect ‘kiss goodnight’,” Judy Trent tells us. Trent is the brains behind the morning fireworks idea. “What’s better than a kiss goodnight? I’ll tell you: a slap-on-your-ass good morning.” The fireworks… Continue reading this fake story…