IllumiNations Replacing Fireworks With Sparklers

Sparklers Being Used In New Sensory-Friendly Show Parents of sensory-sensitive children are rejoicing this morning as Disney has announced to replace IllumiNations with a tamed down version of the show. IllumiNations is a nighttime fireworks spectacular featuring music, fire, lasers, explosions, and fireworks. It’s really awesome but for a child with sensory issues, however, it can be a fucking nightmare. “I don’t want to say ‘we listened’ to our guests,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. “It’s more like ‘we caved’ to our guests [with sensory issues].” Geronimo is Vice President of Policy Changes Based On Guest Input for Walt Disney… Continue reading this fake story…

Family Late to Dinner in World Showcase Because of Bridge

A family vacationing in Walt Disney World this week was late to their dining reservations at Germany’s Biergarten restaurant in Epcot’s World Showcase. The bridge that separates China and Germany was closed to pedestrian traffic to allow for IllumiNations fireworks floats to get into position for a performance later that evening. “Our timing issues had been compounding all day and the bridge being closed was what was finally sealed the deal [on us being late],” said Jason Griggs, husband and father of two girls. “I knew we were in trouble when we arrived at Epcot and couldn’t find an open… Continue reading this fake story…

Top 10 Expert Tips and Secrets from Disney Veterans

Getting around Disney World can be tough for newbies. Never fear, because Typhoid Lagoon is here. Just follow our top 10 tips and secrets from Typhoid Lagoon’s expert panel of Walt Disney World veterans. Our exclusive panel of six (headed by Vice President of Typhoid Lagoon’s Vacation Experts, Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III) have been to Disney World a total of five times between them, so they definitely know what they’re talking about. Check it out.   10) Walt Disney World is named after a real person. Walt Disney World isn’t just a clever brand name like Google, Apple, and PornHub.… Continue reading this fake story…

All Fireworks Shows Moving to Pre-Dawn Hours

The Walt Disney Company announced that starting in 2017, all fireworks shows will take place in the pre-dawn hours, instead of the evenings. This includes the popular Illuminations at Epcot as well as the Wishes fireworks show at the Magic Kingdom. The move comes as Disney looks for new and innovative ways to dazzle park guests around the clock. “We’ve always thought of our evening fireworks shows as the perfect ‘kiss goodnight’,” Judy Trent tells us. Trent is the brains behind the morning fireworks idea. “What’s better than a kiss goodnight? I’ll tell you: a slap-on-your-ass good morning.” The fireworks… Continue reading this fake story…

NEW Osbourne Light Display Coming to Hollywood Studios

Disney announced yesterday that a new holiday lighting spectacular will soon be temporarily replacing the popular Star Wars: A Galactic Spectacular Fireworks display just in time for the holiday season. The Osbourne Family Light Spectacular (not to be confused with the Osborne Family Lights which used to enchant guests prior to the Streets of America refurbishment) will delight guests with Christmas lights and music, lasers, rock and/or roll music, fireworks and snowfall. The new fireworks show will be designed by former Black Sabbath frontman and music legend Ozzy Osbourne, and will feature a nightly audio recording of Ozzy narrating a… Continue reading this fake story…