Man Awakens From Coma: “Take Me To CommuniCore!”

Man In For A World Of Hurt: A man who slipped and hit his head in 1989 has finally awaken from his coma. His first words to his wife: “Take me to CommuniCore!” Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III was visiting Epcot in 1989 when he made the fateful decision to purchase a frozen Mickey ice cream bar. His butter fingers quickly dropped that ice cream bar on the pavement. He slipped on the melted ice cream as he was reaching down to clean it up, which caused him to hit his head hard on a concrete bench. He had been in… Continue reading this fake story…

IllumiNations Replacing Fireworks With Sparklers

Sparklers Being Used In New Sensory-Friendly Show Parents of sensory-sensitive children are rejoicing this morning as Disney has announced to replace IllumiNations with a tamed down version of the show. IllumiNations is a nighttime fireworks spectacular featuring music, fire, lasers, explosions, and fireworks. It’s really awesome but for a child with sensory issues, however, it can be a fucking nightmare. “I don’t want to say ‘we listened’ to our guests,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. “It’s more like ‘we caved’ to our guests [with sensory issues].” Geronimo is Vice President of Policy Changes Based On Guest Input for Walt Disney… Continue reading this fake story…

Epcot Adding FEMA Trailers Ahead of Festivals

Epcot Prepares for New Wave of Guests: The Food and Wine Festival at Epcot kicks off on August 30th. Disney has begun moving in FEMA trailers in preparation for the large crowds expected during the park’s festival season. Over the years, the Food and Wine Festival has grown exponentially in popularity. Epcot sees its capacity reached early in the day as guests seek refuge inside the park to sample food and beverages from around the world. The park gets so overloaded that families often get separated and routes get gridlocked for days. Some guests have even gone missing and in… Continue reading this fake story…

The Flat Spaceship Earth Society Gains Traction

Group Vows to Defy Logic and Common Sense A very small yet vocal group of slow thinkers have recently been gaining mainstream traction. They call themselves the Flat Spaceship Earth Society. The FSES believes that the Spaceship Earth attraction at Epcot is actually flat. They say that there isn’t enough evidence to support the attraction as a geodesic sphere. “I’m just not buying the official story,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is the Vice President of the Flat Spaceship Earth Society. “There is no way the attraction’s ride layout would work unless it was on a flat plane.” The… Continue reading this fake story…