Ride Closure Makes Magic Kingdom A Half-Day Park

Tron Construction Will Temporarily Close Two Rides: With the construction set to begin on the Tron roller coaster, Disney announced some scheduled closures of nearby rides. One of the casualties will be the Walt Disney World Railroad as well as the Tomorrowland Speedway. Both rides will need to close to accommodate the new ride’s construction. The footprint of the roller coaster will cover parts of both the railroad and the speedway. Not all park guests are happy about this news, however. Some have taken to the Internet to vent about Disney temporarily closing these two iconic attractions to make room… Continue reading this fake story…

Grand Floridian Reverting to Dial-Up Internet

“High Speed Internet Does Not Match Theme” Officials at the Grand Floridian Resort and Spa announced today that they will soon be phasing out high speed internet in their guest rooms. They will instead revert back to dial-up speeds to keep with the turn-of-the-century theme of the resort. “Yeah, we looked into it and I guess they didn’t have Wi-Fi in the 1900’s,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, referring to people who lived in the 1900’s. Geronimo is Vice President of Information Technology at Grand Floridian Resort and Spa. “After much discussion and research, we concluded that the internet speeds… Continue reading this fake story…

Heavily Censored Version of Christopher Robin Coming Soon

Censored Version Will Have Character Named Winnie The P*** Backlash from the new Christopher Robin movie has forced Disney to re-release a censored version of the film. Parents had been giving the film poor reviews online. The most common complaint was for the excessive use of expletives such as the word poo. A character in the film is even named after the bodily excrement. “It seems like parents are going to find absolutely anything to complain about these days,” says Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is Vice President of Disney’s Film Censorship Council. Their group is responsible for screening films… Continue reading this fake story…

Unlock Your Resort Room With Dole Whip

Disney Set To Dole Whip Your Ass: This week Disney announced that all Walt Disney World Resort guests will be able to unlock their room with a Dole Whip by the end of this year. Previously guests could use their MagicBand or something called a “key” to gain access to their guest room. “Guests have always been wanting more technology integrated into their vacation experience,” says Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is Vice President of Walt Disney World Guest Room Technologies. “What better way to bring people into the future than having guests enter their rooms with a friggen Dole… Continue reading this fake story…

Bootleg Plastic Straws Becoming A Problem

Discount Plastic Straws Being Sold Off-Property: This week Disney announced they will eliminate the use of single-use plastic straws from their parks by mid-2019. Many applauded the move saying that it shows that Disney is doing its best to lead the way in conservation efforts. Critics of the move say it’s insensitive to those needing special assistance who may require the use of a straw. Still others claim that Disney could be doing much more to reduce waste. One unforeseen problem, however, is the amount of bootleg and counterfeit plastic straw stores opening up just outside the Walt Disney World… Continue reading this fake story…