Man Awakens From Coma: “Take Me To CommuniCore!”

Man In For A World Of Hurt: A man who slipped and hit his head in 1989 has finally awaken from his coma. His first words to his wife: “Take me to CommuniCore!” Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III was visiting Epcot in 1989 when he made the fateful decision to purchase a frozen Mickey ice cream bar. His butter fingers quickly dropped that ice cream bar on the pavement. He slipped on the melted ice cream as he was reaching down to clean it up, which caused him to hit his head hard on a concrete bench. He had been in… Continue reading this fake story…

Iconic Attraction Being Rebranded as Madea Tea Party

Tyler Perry To Sponsor Madea Tea Party The iconic Mad Tea Party attraction in Fantasyland will soon get a makeover and a new sponsor. Disney announced a partnership deal with Tyler Perry to integrate his characters into attractions. The first change will include removal of any Alice in Wonderland references to the Mad Tea Party. The ride will be renamed to Tyler Perry’s Madea Tea Party. “Tyler Perry is, as we all know, a major force in Hollywood and the Walt Disney Company couldn’t be happier with our new partnership,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is Vice President of… Continue reading this fake story…

Yachtsman Steakhouse Adding Dubstep DJ

Elegant Restaurant Wants To Cater To Millennials with Dubstep Music: The Yachtsman Steakhouse will soon be adding a Dubstep DJ in an effort to entice younger people to eat at their restaurant. Dubstep is a genre of electronic dance music. It’s best listened to while tripping balls or eating a $50 steak. Yachtsman Steakhouse is an upscale, fine-dining restaurant at the Yacht Club Resort in Walt Disney World. The New England-themed cuisine is a favorite among guests who want an excellent steak dinner. However, recent times have shown a sharp decline in the millennial-aged guest. To combat this, Disney has… Continue reading this fake story…

IllumiNations Replacing Fireworks With Sparklers

Sparklers Being Used In New Sensory-Friendly Show Parents of sensory-sensitive children are rejoicing this morning as Disney has announced to replace IllumiNations with a tamed down version of the show. IllumiNations is a nighttime fireworks spectacular featuring music, fire, lasers, explosions, and fireworks. It’s really awesome but for a child with sensory issues, however, it can be a fucking nightmare. “I don’t want to say ‘we listened’ to our guests,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. “It’s more like ‘we caved’ to our guests [with sensory issues].” Geronimo is Vice President of Policy Changes Based On Guest Input for Walt Disney… Continue reading this fake story…

The Michael Eisner Story Will Replace One Man’s Dream

Iconic Attraction Will Feature Michael Eisner’s Origins Officials for Disney’s Hollywood Studios announced today that the beloved One Man’s Dream attraction will soon get a thrilling upgrade. The walk-through attraction will feature memorabilia and a short 90-minute film about Michael Eisner’s life. Eisner was the CEO of The Walt Disney Company from 1984 – 2005. He is credited for bringing Disney to a larger mainstream audience and turning it into a highly profitable company. “We think it’s time the world hears the Michael Eisner story,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is Vice President of the Attraction Refurbishment Division for… Continue reading this fake story…