Unlock Your Resort Room With Dole Whip

Disney Set To Dole Whip Your Ass: This week Disney announced that all Walt Disney World Resort guests will be able to unlock their room with a Dole Whip by the end of this year. Previously guests could use their MagicBand or something called a “key” to gain access to their guest room. “Guests have always been wanting more technology integrated into their vacation experience,” says Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is Vice President of Walt Disney World Guest Room Technologies. “What better way to bring people into the future than having guests enter their rooms with a friggen Dole… Continue reading this fake story…

Bootleg Plastic Straws Becoming A Problem

Discount Plastic Straws Being Sold Off-Property: This week Disney announced they will eliminate the use of single-use plastic straws from their parks by mid-2019. Many applauded the move saying that it shows that Disney is doing its best to lead the way in conservation efforts. Critics of the move say it’s insensitive to those needing special assistance who may require the use of a straw. Still others claim that Disney could be doing much more to reduce waste. One unforeseen problem, however, is the amount of bootleg and counterfeit plastic straw stores opening up just outside the Walt Disney World… Continue reading this fake story…

Liberty Belle River Boat Installing “Insane” Mode

Insane Mode Makes Ride Liberty Square’s First E-Ticket Attraction — One of the most common complaints from guests who board the Liberty Belle Riverboat at the Magic Kingdom is that it is much too slow. Disney Imagineers will soon install an “Insane” mode to increase the paddle boat’s top speed. Right now it takes about 13 minutes to travel around the perimeter of Tom Sawyer’s Island aboard the river boat. The new mode will get that trip done in an insane 33 seconds. “Bigger, faster, dangerous… that’s what the guests want,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is Vice President… Continue reading this fake story…

Epcot Adding FEMA Trailers Ahead of Festivals

Epcot Prepares for New Wave of Guests: The Food and Wine Festival at Epcot kicks off on August 30th. Disney has begun moving in FEMA trailers in preparation for the large crowds expected during the park’s festival season. Over the years, the Food and Wine Festival has grown exponentially in popularity. Epcot sees its capacity reached early in the day as guests seek refuge inside the park to sample food and beverages from around the world. The park gets so overloaded that families often get separated and routes get gridlocked for days. Some guests have even gone missing and in… Continue reading this fake story…

The Flat Spaceship Earth Society Gains Traction

Group Vows to Defy Logic and Common Sense A very small yet vocal group of slow thinkers have recently been gaining mainstream traction. They call themselves the Flat Spaceship Earth Society. The FSES believes that the Spaceship Earth attraction at Epcot is actually flat. They say that there isn’t enough evidence to support the attraction as a geodesic sphere. “I’m just not buying the official story,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is the Vice President of the Flat Spaceship Earth Society. “There is no way the attraction’s ride layout would work unless it was on a flat plane.” The… Continue reading this fake story…