Rafiki’s Planet Watch To Reopen As Rafiki’s Apple Watch

Should Rafiki Upgrade His Apple Watch?: Disney’s Animal Kingdom announced the closure of Rafiki’s Planet Watch this week. The attraction had taught guests about conservation and animal well-being. It also taught them how to waste an hour of their lives. When news of the closure spread, fans of the attraction (Todd and Lisa Bing) were devastated. Many people in the Twitter universe quickly feigned sadness in a veiled effort to gain sympathy. For those people, Typhoid Lagoon has some great news. You no longer have to pretend like this closing affects you! We have it on good authority that the… Continue reading this fake story…

IllumiNations Replacing Fireworks With Sparklers

Sparklers Being Used In New Sensory-Friendly Show Parents of sensory-sensitive children are rejoicing this morning as Disney has announced to replace IllumiNations with a tamed down version of the show. IllumiNations is a nighttime fireworks spectacular featuring music, fire, lasers, explosions, and fireworks. It’s really awesome but for a child with sensory issues, however, it can be a fucking nightmare. “I don’t want to say ‘we listened’ to our guests,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. “It’s more like ‘we caved’ to our guests [with sensory issues].” Geronimo is Vice President of Policy Changes Based On Guest Input for Walt Disney… Continue reading this fake story…

See Ant-Man and the Wasp On Smallest Screen Possible

Film’s Producers Issues Rare Viewing Suggestion – The days of “bigger is better” may be coming to an end. Marvel Studios issued a suggestion to those wishing to view the new Ant-Man and the Wasp movie: “Watch it on the smallest screen possible.” Movie theaters around the world are scrambling to make the guests’ movie-watching experience unique and memorable. Historically this meant IMAX-sized screens and state-of-the-art Dolby Atmos digital sound systems. The producers of Ant-Man and the Wasp think this trend is slipping. They’re banking on people using their personal devices to view films in the future. “Obviously, there’s still… Continue reading this fake story…

Disney World Testing Driving Monorails with Doors Open

This week social media was set ablaze with reports of one of the doors on Walt Disney World’s iconic monorail system being stuck in the open position as it was traveling to Epcot. According to our sources, this was not a malfunction but rather a test. Indications are that Disney is planning on operating all monorails with the doors open in the future. “It’s no secret that operating costs are skyrocketing on this aging fleet,” says Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, Lead Project Manager for Walt Disney World’s monorail system. “If we keep the doors open, we don’t have to spend… Continue reading this fake story…

Donald Trump Animatronic Too Large For Structure

With the outcome of the 2016 Presidential Campaign behind us, Disney Imagineers are now focused on creating the Donald Trump Audio Animatronic to add to the Hall of Presidents attraction. Sources are informing us that it appears as though they have already run into trouble. “Well, in order to get the Donald Trump Animatronic as authentic as possible, I think we’re going to have to gut the whole building and reinforce the structure that supports all of the presidents,” Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, the Structural Engineer for the Hall of Presidents tells us. “The weight of the figure is at… Continue reading this fake story…