Unlock Your Resort Room With Dole Whip

Disney Set To Dole Whip Your Ass: This week Disney announced that all Walt Disney World Resort guests will be able to unlock their room with a Dole Whip by the end of this year. Previously guests could use their MagicBand or something called a “key” to gain access to their guest room. “Guests have always been wanting more technology integrated into their vacation experience,” says Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is Vice President of Walt Disney World Guest Room Technologies. “What better way to bring people into the future than having guests enter their rooms with a friggen Dole… Continue reading this fake story…

Disney Raises Bid for Fox to $65,000,000,100

Deal Would Include FastPass+ For Life For Flight of Passage Ride Disney raised their original bid to purchase Fox yesterday. They countered Comcast’s bid of $65 billion with a new bid of $65-billion-one-hundred. This effectively raised the top bid by one-hundred dollars. Further sweetening the bid was a promise to give away Flight of Passage FastPass+ reservations for life. The popular thrill ride is located in the new Pandora area of Disney’s Animal Kingdom. The extra $100 being offered is a symbolic gesture meant to highlight the prestige of those unlimited FastPass+ reservations. “I wouldn’t gloss over that hundred bucks,”… Continue reading this fake story…

BREAKING: Great Movie Ride Closed Due To Frequent Hijackings

Last fall, a beloved attraction at Disney’s Hollywood Studios said goodbye. It was announced that The Great Movie Ride would close in August 2017 and be replaced by Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway some time in 2019. The attraction had been a staple at the park since it opened on May 1, 1989. But what was the reason for the closure? Low crowds? Escalating budget to secure film rights? Time for a refreshing change? Or was it something far more sinister? We can report with almost complete certainty that the reason for the closure was due to frequent hijackings. The… Continue reading this fake story…

Local Gator’s Union to Go On Strike

The local chapter of the National Alliance of Crocodiles and Alligators Union (NACAU) out of Lake Buena Vista, Florida has announced plans to sue the Walt Disney Company for discrimination and deliberate segregation practices if their demands are not met. This move comes almost two years after Disney started putting rocks and fencing along shorelines, effectively forcing alligators who reside on Walt Disney World property to stay confined to a pre-designated area. “I feel violated,” Allie Getter, President of NACAU told us. “Disney put all this water around their resort, inviting us to come live there, but then they’re like,… Continue reading this fake story…

BREAKING: New ‘Truly Haunted’ Hotel Coming to WDW

The Walt Disney Company announced that a new hotel will be built just behind Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion ride. It will be themed directly to the iconic attraction and feature exclusive after-hours access. “The hotel will be a first-of-its-kind resort that will be truly haunted from day one,” said Gloria Hopps, Project Lead on the yet-to-be-named resort. “Most hotels gain their ‘haunted’ status after years of in-room murders and suicides or unexplained fatal accidents with guests and employees. But this will be the first resort in the world where paranormal activity will be encouraged by spirits that are otherwise aimlessly… Continue reading this fake story…