IllumiNations Replacing Fireworks With Sparklers

IllumiNations Replacing Fireworks With Sparklers

Sparklers Being Used In New Sensory-Friendly Show

Parents of sensory-sensitive children are rejoicing this morning as Disney has announced to replace IllumiNations with a tamed down version of the show. IllumiNations is a nighttime fireworks spectacular featuring music, fire, lasers, explosions, and fireworks. It’s really awesome but for a child with sensory issues, however, it can be a fucking nightmare.

“I don’t want to say ‘we listened’ to our guests,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. “It’s more like ‘we caved’ to our guests [with sensory issues].” Geronimo is Vice President of Policy Changes Based On Guest Input for Walt Disney Parks. His job is to aggregate all of the guests’ feedback and implement changes to attractions based on those suggestions.

“I guess technically I ‘implement changes’,” said Geronimo, using air quotes when appropriate. “But I’d rather call it ‘destroying the attractions we all know and love for a very small minority of people.'”

The new sensory-friendly version of IllumiNations will basically remove all the cool parts and replace them with lame alternatives. For example, the fireworks will be replaced with sparklers. The lasers will be replaced with flashlights. The music will be replaced with a lone boombox playing from the middle of the World Showcase Lagoon.

“Don’t get me wrong – I’m not against kids with sensory issues. I’ve got two kids with Autism, one with Asperger’s, one with ADHD, and one that is a complete psychopathic asshole,” Geronimo continues. “I get it: kids can be challenging. But all I’m saying is that if your kid has sensory issues, maybe Disney World isn’t the best place for you.”

The new version of IllumiNations will debut quietly on October 1st of this year.

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