IllumiNations Replacing Fireworks With Sparklers

Sparklers Being Used In New Sensory-Friendly Show Parents of sensory-sensitive children are rejoicing this morning as Disney has announced to replace IllumiNations with a tamed down version of the show. IllumiNations is a nighttime fireworks spectacular featuring music, fire, lasers, explosions, and fireworks. It’s really awesome but for a child with sensory issues, however, it can be a fucking nightmare. “I don’t want to say ‘we listened’ to our guests,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. “It’s more like ‘we caved’ to our guests [with sensory issues].” Geronimo is Vice President of Policy Changes Based On Guest Input for Walt Disney… Continue reading this fake story…

The Michael Eisner Story Will Replace One Man’s Dream

Iconic Attraction Will Feature Michael Eisner’s Origins Officials for Disney’s Hollywood Studios announced today that the beloved One Man’s Dream attraction will soon get a thrilling upgrade. The walk-through attraction will feature memorabilia and a short 90-minute film about Michael Eisner’s life. Eisner was the CEO of The Walt Disney Company from 1984 – 2005. He is credited for bringing Disney to a larger mainstream audience and turning it into a highly profitable company. “We think it’s time the world hears the Michael Eisner story,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is Vice President of the Attraction Refurbishment Division for… Continue reading this fake story…

Ride Closure Makes Magic Kingdom A Half-Day Park

Tron Construction Will Temporarily Close Two Rides: With the construction set to begin on the Tron roller coaster, Disney announced some scheduled closures of nearby rides. One of the casualties will be the Walt Disney World Railroad as well as the Tomorrowland Speedway. Both rides will need to close to accommodate the new ride’s construction. The footprint of the roller coaster will cover parts of both the railroad and the speedway. Not all park guests are happy about this news, however. Some have taken to the Internet to vent about Disney temporarily closing these two iconic attractions to make room… Continue reading this fake story…

Grand Floridian Reverting to Dial-Up Internet

“High Speed Internet Does Not Match Theme” Officials at the Grand Floridian Resort and Spa announced today that they will soon be phasing out high speed internet in their guest rooms. They will instead revert back to dial-up speeds to keep with the turn-of-the-century theme of the resort. “Yeah, we looked into it and I guess they didn’t have Wi-Fi in the 1900’s,” said Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, referring to people who lived in the 1900’s. Geronimo is Vice President of Information Technology at Grand Floridian Resort and Spa. “After much discussion and research, we concluded that the internet speeds… Continue reading this fake story…

Heavily Censored Version of Christopher Robin Coming Soon

Censored Version Will Have Character Named Winnie The P*** Backlash from the new Christopher Robin movie has forced Disney to re-release a censored version of the film. Parents had been giving the film poor reviews online. The most common complaint was for the excessive use of expletives such as the word poo. A character in the film is even named after the bodily excrement. “It seems like parents are going to find absolutely anything to complain about these days,” says Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. Geronimo is Vice President of Disney’s Film Censorship Council. Their group is responsible for screening films… Continue reading this fake story…