All Fireworks Shows Moving to Pre-Dawn Hours

The Walt Disney Company announced that starting in 2017, all fireworks shows will take place in the pre-dawn hours, instead of the evenings. This includes the popular Illuminations at Epcot as well as the Wishes fireworks show at the Magic Kingdom. The move comes as Disney looks for new and innovative ways to dazzle park guests around the clock. “We’ve always thought of our evening fireworks shows as the perfect ‘kiss goodnight’,” Judy Trent tells us. Trent is the brains behind the morning fireworks idea. “What’s better than a kiss goodnight? I’ll tell you: a slap-on-your-ass good morning.” The fireworks… Continue reading this fake story…

Innoventions’ Tom Morrow 2.0 Caught Replicating Himself

An unsettling discovery was uncovered late last night in Epcot. Our sources indicate that upon a routine inspection of the mostly-abandoned Innoventions buildings, they discovered that Tom Morrow 2.0 had been replicating himself for months. Tom Morrow 2.0 was the robotic greeter who served as the ambassador and self-proclaimed “Gate Keeper” to the Innoventions pavilion. He interacted with guests and even spoke interesting trivia facts. His popularity earned him reoccurring segment on the Disney Channel called “Imagineer That!” where he would read viewer questions and explain how Imagineers design and craft rides and attractions at the Disney Theme Parks. “We… Continue reading this fake story…

Survey Finds Guests Love Parking Garages

The results of a recent survey have confirmed what many of us have already speculated: guests love parking garages. Disney confirmed the survey results yesterday after an eight-month-long study asking guests to identify which part of visiting the Walt Disney World Resort was their favorite. The survey found that guests overwhelmingly chose “parking garages” over any other option. “The survey results don’t lie,” said Mary Bloomberg, Vice President of Disney’s Guest Survey Division. “53% of our guests said that the parking garages were the best part about their vacation. It doesn’t take a genius to conclude that this is where… Continue reading this fake story…

NEW Osbourne Light Display Coming to Hollywood Studios

Disney announced yesterday that a new holiday lighting spectacular will soon be temporarily replacing the popular Star Wars: A Galactic Spectacular Fireworks display just in time for the holiday season. The Osbourne Family Light Spectacular (not to be confused with the Osborne Family Lights which used to enchant guests prior to the Streets of America refurbishment) will delight guests with Christmas lights and music, lasers, rock and/or roll music, fireworks and snowfall. The new fireworks show will be designed by former Black Sabbath frontman and music legend Ozzy Osbourne, and will feature a nightly audio recording of Ozzy narrating a… Continue reading this fake story…

DINOSAUR Closure Blamed on Salary Dispute

Fans of the DINOSAUR attraction at Disney’s Animal Kingdom were shocked this week by the news that the ride’s scheduled refurbishment has been delayed “indefinitely.” Our sources are reporting that this is due to a salary dispute involving the Iguanodon and the Carnotaurus. The DINOSAUR attraction features a Time Rover -led tour to the late Cretaceous Period in hopes of bringing back a live Iguanodon for research purposes. The seemingly routine trip is made more difficult by constant run-ins with the deadly Carnotaurus, a dinosaur that dwarfs the well-known T-Rex in size. DINOSAUR closed in July for routine maintenance that… Continue reading this fake story…