Parks to Start Selling Firearms to Guests

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This week, avid theme park fans were shocked when two separate guests at two separate parks were arrested following the discovery of loaded firearms in the possession of a guest at the Walt Disney World Resort. Disney has responded to these incidents by saying they will start selling firearms inside the parks starting next year, so that guests don’t have to go through the trouble of bringing their own weapon from home.

“The incidents covered in the media this week have brought this issue into the spotlight,” said Janet Forge, Vice President of Disney’s Guest Firearm Sales and Safety Division. “Our guests are demanding easier access to firearms within the confines of our theme parks.”

Forge said that each theme park will have a store where guests can purchase a variety of firearms to take with them as they enjoy the theme parks. Their locations will be as follows:

  • Magic Kingdom: Main Street, USA (next to Starbucks)
  • Epcot: Innoventions West (next to Starbucks)
  • Disney’s Hollywood Studios: Pixar Place (next to Starbucks)
  • Disney’s Animal Kingdom: Tree of Life (next to Starbucks)

Forge went on to say that Disney’s policy does prohibit guests from bringing their own firearms inside the parks, but it currently does not prohibit the sale and possession of firearms once inside the gate.

“We never said guests couldn’t have firearms inside the parks at all,” continued Forge. “If you must have a firearm, we would just like you to purchase one of our Disney-branded firearms.”

Disney appears to be sparing no expense on this new venture. They have recently hired Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, a renegade Sheriff from a small town in Texas and extreme Southern Hillbilly, to be in charge of the sale and acquisition of firearms.

“At first we’ll just be selling handguns,” Geronimo told us in a loud, raspy manner over the phone. “Eventually, we’ll start carrying sniper rifles, assault rifles, and rocket launchers… all in the name of guest safety!”

The theme parks should begin selling firearms by early next year. In the meantime, guest safety rules and guidelines are being re-written to accommodate the new firearms policy.

“We’re currently writing up policies and procedures on handling guests with firearms,” Forge concluded. “We’re discussing things like where people will store their firearms while on rides like Rock ’n’ Roller Coaster and also how many times an Audio Animatronic can be shot by a guest before they are thrown out of the park.”

What do you think of this new policy? Tell us in the comments below.

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