Some of the former Presidents inside the Hall of Presidents attraction are on the verge of mutiny, according to an anonymous source with knowledge of the situation. Their complaints stem from this year’s Presidential Election and whom they may be working alongside once our new Commander in Chief is elected.
“I think all of my fellow Commanders can agree that this election sucks,” Franklin D. Roosevelt, our nation’s 32nd President said. “If Trump gets elected, I will walk out of the Hall of Presidents and discontinue performing there. I’m not the only one either. If FDR walks, others will follow. That’s the new deal, bitch.”
Roosevelt’s complaints stem from what he describes as “hateful, homophobic, and misogynistic” remarks Trump has made as of late. He is leading a group of former Presidents who have threatened Disney management of their intentions if Trump gets elected.
“We are aware of the situation,” Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, Vice President of the Hall of Presidents’ Presidential Advisory Board said. “President Roosevelt has been quite vocal about his threats and we have taken them very seriously.”
Roosevelt isn’t the only former President causing waves, however. The opposite side of the issue is captained by President Richard Nixon. He has lodged similar threats with Geronimo and Disney management if Hillary Clinton wins this year’s election.
“She’s not fit for office, plain and simple,” President Nixon said. “The emails? Hello?? Benghazi? Duh! I am not a crook, but she sure as shit is.”
The results of this year’s election doesn’t look good for the entire cast of the Hall of Presidents. No matter which way it goes, nearly half of the former Presidents have threatened to walk out. There is, however, one former President being the voice of reason.
“I have implored all of my fellow former Presidents, in this time of great uncertainty, to remain calm and level-headed,” President Abraham Lincoln told us. “A house divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this attraction cannot endure permanently with half supporting Trump and half supporting Clinton. I do not expect the Hall of Presidents to be dissolved. I do not expect the Hall of Presidents to fall, but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing, or all the other.”
Although Geronimo is grateful that Lincoln is – for now – keeping the peace, he has his doubts that he can maintain the stalemate once Election Day hits.
“Lincoln is great, don’t get me wrong,” Geronimo said. “But the dude smokes so much weed. I mean, like a ton. We’ve had to confiscate some guests’ video cameras when Lincoln lit up on stage during a performance. Seriously, Snoop Dogg once called Lincoln’s smoking habits ‘excessive.’ I’m not even sure he realizes what’s going on here.”
Disney seems to be already activating their Plan B if the cast of Hall of Presidents walks out. A new attraction just opened up in Liberty Square called “Great Moments in History with the Muppets” right across from the theater where the Presidents perform. Another credible source of ours explained that this move wasn’t meant to integrate more Muppet synergy into the parks, but rather as a fail-safe in case the Hall of Presidents show dissolves.
Typhoid Lagoon will continue to monitor the situation and report more details when they are presented to us, or me. It’s just me, really. I say “us” because it makes us, or me sound more important.