Johnny Depp to be Permanently Attached to Pirates of the Caribbean Ride

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Disneyland officials have announced that starting this Halloween, film legend Johnny Depp will permanently reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland’s Magic Kingdom Park.

Ever since the popular movie series debuted, Johnny Depp has been rumored to sneak into the attraction in full Jack Sparrow costume and play the role of Jack Sparrow on unsuspecting guests.

“We’re big fans of Johnny Depp here at Disneyland, as well as his Jack Sparrow character,” Sandra Orton, Vice President of Disneyland’s Character Licensing and Thespian Appeasement Division. “We’ve actually tried to discourage Mr. Depp from performing as Jack Sparrow, but he’s a celebrity and they do what they want.”

Depending on how this trial run goes more celebrities who’ve got nothing better to do may be added to other attractions, Orton said.

“Right away, I think about [the possibility of] Eddie Murphy running around the Haunted Mansion,” Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III said, who makes his living as an Assistant to the Webmaster of a popular Walt Disney World fan site. “How fun would it be to be in your doom buggy and then all of the sudden Eddie Murphy jumps out and says ‘Don’t you make no dark spirits come out while I’m sittin’ here! Wait ’til I leave before the dark spirits come out!’?”

Indeed it would be fun, according to our data. We ran this idea passed Typhoid Lagoon’s Research Panel and four out of ten people rated this idea as “sort of funny.”

Although Depp is slated to start working full-time at the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction in California, there has been no word on what will be done to the other attractions around the world.

“We also haven’t quite worked out the details about what to do when Mr. Depp has a film to shoot,” Orton continued. “and the logistics of what times he will appear at the attraction or when he’ll take his union-mandated breaks have not yet been flushed out.”

We reached out to Mr. Depp for comment, but at that point he was already in full Jack Sparrow costume and refused to break character. I was just in no mood to deal with that shit.

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