Animal Kingdom to Replace Toilets with Portables

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Officials at Disney’s Animal Kingdom announced last Wednesday that they will soon be phasing out the traditional restrooms found in most public places in favor of the portable toilets that are common with outdoor festivals and residential remodel job sites in rich neighborhoods.

The move comes after Disney’s Animal Kingdom has reportedly been hemorrhaging money lately with the pending addition of an Avatar-themed land plus the delays they’ve been facing with getting their nighttime fireworks display to run properly.

“We’ve been looking for ways to cut costs,” Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, Vice President of Restroom Operation at Walt Disney World tells us. “Last month, our water bill was just way too high. Naturally, we thought decreasing our plumbing budget was in the best interest of everyone involved.”

Geronimo went on to point to a recent Gallup poll that showed that guests prefer the confines of a portable toilet over the more traditional “pipes for poop” operation.

“There’s something people like about going inside a toilet that hasn’t been cleaned in a week or so,” Geronimo concluded. “And really, what better place to do your business like an animal than Animal Kingdom?”

Social media was buzzing with excitement when the news first broke.

“ANIMAL KINGDOM IS NO LONGER A HALF-DAY PARK!” tweeted @Number2Disney, who apparently couldn’t find the “Caps Lock” key.

“To those visiting @AnimalKingdom today… I left a present for you in the #Harambe portie,” tweeted @Deezknees.

The portable toilets will be furnished by John’s Johns, who won the contract after a brutal bidding war. You may recall reading the whistle-blower reports that surfaced last February. In them, a former executive at John’s Johns claimed that they won the contract because of bribery and illegal tactics that forced other competitors out of the running for the bid. That whistle-blower also claims to have evidence of an assassination plot by a John’s Johns employee against Karl’s Krappers’ CEO Carl Carpe.

“The allegations brought forth against John’s Johns have been proven to be completely falsified and were made by a disgruntled former employee,” read an official statement from John’s Johns representatives. “We have no further comment on the issue.”

Representatives from John’s Johns declined repeated requests to be interviewed for this article.

Despite the controversy, Disney seems to be moving forward with their new portable toilets. Geronimo said that guests can expect to see them show up by the holiday season.

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